The Style Invitational Week 997 Unworthy causes
By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, November 15, 4:00 PM
’Tis the season for newspaper
articles to begin with “ ’Tis the season,” and this week we’ll do our part and
remind you to support any or all of the literally thousands of charities you
can assist through United Way or the Combined Federal Campaign. On the Style
Invitational Devotees page on Facebook, Not-Yet-a-Loser Daphne Steinberg noted
that the CFC “Catalog of Caring” (bit.ly/cfc-2012) lists such diverse
organizations as the National Speleological Society (preserving caves) and Dogs
Finding Dogs (using dogs to find lost dogs, duh). Yes, we know that all of
those causes are worthy ones, so Daphne thinks the Loser Community ought to
come up with some that aren’t: This week: Name a dubious charity and describe
its mission. You might also want to include a line from its pitch to potential
donors.
Winner gets the Inkin’
Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second
place receives a prize we’ve been waiting all year to give out: a genuine
caganer, brought back from Barcelona by Loser Elizabeth Molye. A caganer is a
traditional figurine that’s placed in Catalan Nativity scenes and depicts a
cherubic child who is blithely, well, pooping away in a manger. This one is
only about two inches high.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, possibly the new model
whose slogan will be determined in the Week 994 contest. First Offenders
receive a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink).
E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, Nov. 26; results published Dec. 16 (online Dec. 13). No more than 25
entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 997” in your e-mail subject line or
it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone
number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules.
The subhead for this week’s honorable mentions was
submitted by both Kevin Dopart and Chris Doyle.; the alternative
headline for the “Next week’s results” line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively
Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.
Report from Week 993,in which we asked you to engage two historical or fictional figures in
a mini-version of Epic Rap Battles of History, the immensely popular video
site. It won’t shock regular Invite readers that we ended up not caring so much
if the cleverest rhymes hadn’t so much a phat beat as a fat beat.
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
Aunt Jemima vs. Mrs.
Butterworth:
Aunt J: You got an old-lady
voice that always sounds so proper!
Always hating on the leading
runny pancake topper!
You say you’re thick and
rich, now that’s hard to chew —
You’re just a talking plastic
bottle! I’ll recycle you!
Mrs. B: You’re better than
me, huh? You’d better check your label:
It’s not just me who’s
putting hexametaphosphate on the table!
You’re just jealous of the
squeezing that I get every day—
You’re an aunt, but I’m a
Mrs., and that’s all I’m gonna say! (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.)
2. Winner of “Now Wash Your
Hands,” a book about toilets:
First Witch from “Macbeth”:
You wrote a few old cookbooks. So? Big freakin’ deal!
In my cauldron I am makin’ a
more exotic meal!
Julia Child: I spit upon your
bat and on your tongue of dog;
(But I confess: That there is
one luscious-looking frog!) (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
3. Pontius Pilate: We’ve been
at this for hours, and I’d like to go home.
Traffic’s getting pretty
heavy on all roads that lead to Rome.
Jesus: You need to practice
patience and become more unselfconscious
That my Father named me Jesus
and your father named you Pontius.
Pilate: Naming is irrelevant!
They say you walk on water!
(My life’d be so much easier
if Mary’d had a daughter!)
Jesus: Have you seen my halo,
Pontius? It’s as if my head were sky-lit!
The biggest diff between us,
bro, is that God is my pilot. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)
4. John Grisham: My immense
success just goes to show what’s achievable
When you have no talent —
it’s really unbelievable!
Dan Brown: You think you have
no talent? Let me tell you, suckah,
I can’t write for dirt and I
can’t even rhyme! (Andrew Ballard, London)
Under raps: Honorable mentions
Abominable Snowman: You think
you’re gross? I’m grosser, and indomitable!
And furthermore, folks tell
me I’m abominable.
Medusa: My snaky locks are
writhing like spaghetti;
Come take a look! You ain’t
seen nuthin’, yeti! (Beverley Sharp)
Adam: “Try this fruit!” says
you, my rib-stealing be-otch!
Now the Original Sinna’s
gotta fig-leaf his cre-otch.
Eve: For the very first man,
yo’ head is way second-rate —
You’d be outta luck, playa,
if I’d a choice in my mate. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)
Easter Bunny: “Your North
Pole ice is melting fast, and Mrs. Claus has sung at last!
Your slave-kept elves will
all applaud when kids find out that you’re a fraud.”
Santa Claus: “I have no fear,
you furry freak, who lays the eggs for hide-and-seek!
When those kids learn the
same ’bout you, in no time you’ll be Brunswick Stew.” (Mark Raffman, Reston)
Santa vs. Raffi (Amanda
Yanovitch, featuring James and Bruce Yanovitch, ages 9 and 7)
Kanye West: Interruption!
Interruption! I gotta get a word in!
The fact you beat Beyoncé’s
just a little bit absurd, an’ —
Taylor Swift: Yo, Westie,
maybe country music’s not your thing,
But there’s two of us on
stage right now, and only one can sing. (Christopher Lamora)
Neil Armstrong: You
presidents, you’re all the same,
But one small step assured my
fame!
Gerald Ford: I run the show,
command our troops;
I’ve taken LOTS of steps, and
(OOPS!) . . . (Beverley Sharp)
Julia Child: You baked your
aunt in a brioche? Your taste in food, mon Dieu, très gauche!
Dear gastro-fool, when eating
Auntie: Pecorino or Chianti?
Hannibal Lecter: I’ll carve
your face in bas-relief, you massive, pompous side of beef!
Take heed or I’ll remove your
heart, frappé it in my Cuisinart! (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
Thomas Edison: Nikky-boy, you
worked for me, I am the boss.
I got Direct profits, you
pulled a loss.
I’m the Wizard of Menlo, with
patents that burgeon,
You’re a footnote of history,
and you died a virgin.
Nikola Tesla: You may have
done some experiments but I did all your math.
Maybe you should experiment
with a light bulb in the bath.
It may be a shock to you,
we’re Alternating today:
Your current gets a D, while
my current gets an A. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)
Thor: You’re still just a
human; I’m a legendary god.
Get as tall as you like;
you’ll make a nice lightning rod.
Bruce Banner: Go ahead, bring
your lightning and you’ll lose in a flash
As I grind you to
. . . oh, forget the rap. HULK SMASH! (Stephen Gilberg, Washington)
Calvin Coolidge: I’m Silent
Cal. What’s your name, pal?
Marcel Marceau:
(Beverley
Sharp)
Kurt Cobain: You’re called
prophet of the people, the apex of folk,
But your voice and your image
are truly baroque.
Profit OFF the people is a
title more deserved;
Go say a prayer, you’ve now
just been served!
Bob Dylan: Your tired old
gimmick, what they called grunge
Took no time at all for the
world to expunge.
My words ring true, spare and
with verve.
Smells like you’re passe —
oops, did I hit a Nirv? (Mike Gips, Bethesda)
Mozart: I dropped my first
song when I was just 5,
Had more hits than anyone
alive!
Beethoven: So what, punk, you
know who I am?
I’m the OG who made the first
Deaf Jam! (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
Tycho Brahe: I can take the
true measure of any old star
And noseless or not, I
describe you bizarre.
Michael Jackson: A
phony-nosed white guy, well it couldn’t be clearer —
I could get those same views
from the man in the mirror. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
The Empty Chair: You made
yourself ridiculous, but people laughed by dint
Of the fact that after all is
said and done, you still are Clint,
The macho hero action star
whose life is an adventure,
And so they cheered as if
your words were wit and not dementia.
Clint Eastwood: You wussy
piece of furniture! You bentwood empty fool!
You think that you’re a chair
but you are just a hunk of stool,
A castoff dumped in garbage
bins, and certainly you’re not a man.
My butt will squash you when
I sit. Hey, Romney! Bring an ottoman! (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
Barbie: You look like me now
and I think that’s fantastic.
Your best parts could be mine
— they’re all made out of plastic.
Heidi Montag: Well, now,
speaking of parts — and the guys you’ve been dating:
Mine come fully equipped, not
some neutered G-rating. (Kevin Dopart)
Mitt: Young lad, we’ve had
our fill of you; my bottom line’s unhealthy.
Our land can prosper still if
you just leave it to the wealthy.
Barack: Old man, your kind of
gladder day is ancient and passe; Annette
The Mouseketeer has had her
day, just like the horse and bayonet. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria)
Richard Dawkins: If it
weren’t for your religion, we’d be saying, “Tebow who?”
The Virgin Mary has a better
throwing arm than you.
So bow to the inevitable, get
down on one knee,
And pray that you evolve into
a better QB.
Tim Tebow: Jesus said, “Love
your neighbor; perfect love casts out fear,”
So remember that I love you
while I’m kicking your rear.
Stop insulting all religions,
and please don’t be a hater.
I’ll beat you with the power
of Christ (and Matt Prater). (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.)
Michele Bachmann: Yo,
Matthews, does your leg still thrill to Barack Hussein Obama?
I hear he thrilled more than
the leg of the slut you call your mama.
If only he were half as good
at acting presidentially.
He fooled the voters but
we’ll bring Obama down eventually.
Chris Matthews: Michele, you
right-wing zombie, can’t you see your guy Mitt Romney
Would have screwed the 99
percent the way he screwed your mommy?
So go now, sit in Congress on
your skinny wing-nut rump.
You may have better hair but
you’re a bigger clown than Trump. (Robert Schechter)
Paris Hilton: “Uh
. . . what?”
Kim Kardashian: “Huh?” (David
Garratt, Silver City, N.M.)
Next week’s results: Stick It to Us, or Keeping Up
With Adherences